Feeling Blue

Another month has passed and I am not pregnant. Try as I may to not let it bother me, it is. On the day I took a pregnancy test, only to have it come out negative, I sat down at the computer after doing the test and opened an email from a friend with pictures of their brand new baby. Later in the week another friend gave birth. I am thrilled for these couples, yet it was hard to hear, especially since I'd always thought that by the time they had their babies, I would be pregnant.

Last weekend Daryl shared his disappointment with me, which helped tremendously. I knew he would be happy to have another child, but didn't know that he wanted it enough to feel disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. So I went through the rest of the week feeling somewhat better until today, when my brother-in-law called to announce his wife's surprise pregnancy. Again, I am very happy for them, but still, I cried after I hung up the phone. Had I gotten pregnant this month we would have been due within a week of one another.

And I am struggling with guilt as well. I have close friends and family that are struggling with serious illness, financial crises, and crumbling marriages right now, while everything in my life is going smoothly and happily. I have been blessed in SO many ways, that I have nothing to complain about. I had a well meaning friend point out to me that even if I never get pregnant again, I should consider myself very lucky. I have 7 beautiful healthy children, a husband who loves me, financial security, and my health. I KNOW this, but all of the logic in the world doesn't seem to help change my feelings of sadness. Feelings are feelings, not based on facts.

I guess I'll just keep on hoping. Maybe that new nephew or niece will have a cousin only a few months younger.