Neglect
2 years ago
All of Us
At I's wedding in July 2019. Back row from left: My oldest D (27) and his wife B (27), My 6th K (16), My 3rd L (23), My 5th T (19), and my 7th A (14). Front row from left: My 9th Z (11), My 10th M (9), Me!, My new son-in-law L (23), My 4th I (22), my love D, My 2nd J (25), and my 8th M (11).
Saturday, April 30, 2005
You Can Bet On It
Three people have told me recently that they are betting we'll have another child. They seem so sure. "If I had to put money on it..." and "my money's on you, Paula" (meaning they think I'll prevail should D. initially disagree). Do I think they're right? Only time will tell. Will I do my best to convince D. and make it happen? You can bet on it!
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Easter Blessing
5 years ago yesterday my sweet T. was born. It was Saturday, the day before Easter. Friday evening, as I stood in line at the video store, I noticed a pretty strong contraction. Since I was already a week past my "due date" and I'd had several nights of fruitless contractions, so I didn't get too excited. I came home, ate dinner, and watched "Message in a Bottle", the movie I'd rented. All evening long I continued to have one strong contraction every 30 minutes or so. They were even more noticeable when lying down on the couch during the movie. It ended around 11:30pm and I went to bed. A short time later I heard a loud unidentifed noise, so woke D. up to investigate. He didn't find anything and unfortunately was unable to fall back to sleep. Meanwhile, the contractions become stronger and about 10 minutes apart. D. got up and went into the office to do some work while he had insomnia, and I got up and paced around the bedroom. After a while I went out and told him "this is it." I paced in the family room while watching PBS documentaries till around 3am, when I called my midwife, Lylaine Gavette (CNM). I told her "I think it's time," and she said "You think it is?" "I know it is."
We called my friend Tammy to come and be with the kids and headed off to the Bethany Birth Center. We almost forgot the infant carseat, but luckily I saw it sitting in the driveway where D. had set it when he carried it out of the house. It was about a 30 minute drive away, but much to our surprise, the freeway we needed to take was closed during the night for construction. (It was a very heavily traveled area so they only worked on it at night to keep daytime traffic moving.) I began to panic, but luckily D. knew how to get there via surface roads.
When we got there, Lylaine examined me and said I was 5cm dilated and very stretchy. She asked if I wanted her to break my water, and I said yes. She told us to call our family if they were coming because she thought it would go very fast once my water was broken. We called Tammy and told her to bring the kids. They arrived around 5am. J. came into the room to say hi and stayed. She was 6 at the time, but did not seem bothered as things got more intense. D. kept asking her if she wanted to leave but she said no. The birth center had a family room area where Tammy and the rest of the kids were waiting.
It was an unusual labor because the contractions alternated, one hard one followed by one less intense, continuing that way through transition. In addition, she wasn't coming down completely straight and pressing directly on my cervix, but was a little off to the side. This may have been the cause of the alternating strength contractions. Whenever I laid down, every contraction was strong. I preferred pacing/standing. Lylaine said this was OK, that it would just take longer, which it did. Finally I was at 8.5-9cm and she said, "I think you need to have about 8-10 good strong contractions and you'll be ready to push." I said, "Aren't these strong?" and she replied, "I mean in a row." In great irritation, I laid down on the bed. After 4-5 very hard contractions in a row I began involuntarily pushing.
We called in Tammy and the kids. I had been on my side, but now got on my back, semi-upright. I., who was 2 year and 9 months at the time, was fascinated, and leaned on the foot of the bed watching closely. Tammy had to move her over so Lylaine had a spot! Lylaine told D., "Come her eand catch your baby." I pushed out the head halfway, the contraction ended, and during the next one I pushed it the rest of the way out. Then I prepared to rest a moment while waiting for another contraction. Everyone began urging me to push the baby out the rest of the way. "What do you mean?" I asked in annoyance. "I'm not even having a contraction!" At this point Lylaine looked me in the eye and said very seriously, "Paula, I need you to push the baby out right now." I took a deep breath and began pushing, with everyone cheering me on. Lylaine eased her shoulders out as I pushed and out the rest of her slid. She put her on my chest and began rubbing her vigorously with a towel. "Wait! What is it?" I asked. She paused and removed the towel. I saw that it was a girl and that she was rather blue. She seemed to be breathing but not very vigorously and she hadn't cried. Meanwhile, the nurse had brought over the oxygen and had the tube arranged to blow in her face. After a moment or two she gave a little cough, then cried and began breathing strongly.
Apparently the cord had been around her neck, although not really tightly, and Lylaine had been able to loosen it once her head emerged, but it was being compressed between her body and the birth canal so she wasn't getting any oxygen. The others could see this, and that her head was rather blue, but I couldn't see her head from my angle. That was why D. stepped out of the way and didn't catch her after all. Her intial Apgar was only 6. The nurse who was there told me that in a hospital birth (she worked in a hospital also) it would have been handled much differently. She said they would have screamed at me to push, and pushed on my belly or pulled on her if necessary, and whisked her away from me right away. I asked Lylaine how serious of a situation it had been, and she said, "Well, we like to have to resuscitate as little as possible." Her heartbeat had been monitored frequently during labor, just as in my hospital births, and there had never been any sign of distress (or they would have immediately transferred me to the hospital), so it must have only become a problem at the very end. Her face was very bruised from pressing on my pelvic bone and remained blue for 24 hours or so. She also had darker bruises around her eyes that lasted several weeks. I was very sore on the inside, bruised also, even though I had no tears or stitches. She arrived at 7:57 am, weighing 10 lbs. 7 oz., and I went home about 2 hours later (the minimum stay required).
Tammy had taken the kids home earlier, and after D. retrieved them we all napped. The next day we had Easter dinner with our friends down the street.
She is my sweetest child, naturally polite and grateful. She was the baby for the longest and during that time I referred to her as "my best friend" because she went everywhere with me and was SO easy, truly a delight, even as a toddler. I'm so glad I have her!
We called my friend Tammy to come and be with the kids and headed off to the Bethany Birth Center. We almost forgot the infant carseat, but luckily I saw it sitting in the driveway where D. had set it when he carried it out of the house. It was about a 30 minute drive away, but much to our surprise, the freeway we needed to take was closed during the night for construction. (It was a very heavily traveled area so they only worked on it at night to keep daytime traffic moving.) I began to panic, but luckily D. knew how to get there via surface roads.
When we got there, Lylaine examined me and said I was 5cm dilated and very stretchy. She asked if I wanted her to break my water, and I said yes. She told us to call our family if they were coming because she thought it would go very fast once my water was broken. We called Tammy and told her to bring the kids. They arrived around 5am. J. came into the room to say hi and stayed. She was 6 at the time, but did not seem bothered as things got more intense. D. kept asking her if she wanted to leave but she said no. The birth center had a family room area where Tammy and the rest of the kids were waiting.
It was an unusual labor because the contractions alternated, one hard one followed by one less intense, continuing that way through transition. In addition, she wasn't coming down completely straight and pressing directly on my cervix, but was a little off to the side. This may have been the cause of the alternating strength contractions. Whenever I laid down, every contraction was strong. I preferred pacing/standing. Lylaine said this was OK, that it would just take longer, which it did. Finally I was at 8.5-9cm and she said, "I think you need to have about 8-10 good strong contractions and you'll be ready to push." I said, "Aren't these strong?" and she replied, "I mean in a row." In great irritation, I laid down on the bed. After 4-5 very hard contractions in a row I began involuntarily pushing.
We called in Tammy and the kids. I had been on my side, but now got on my back, semi-upright. I., who was 2 year and 9 months at the time, was fascinated, and leaned on the foot of the bed watching closely. Tammy had to move her over so Lylaine had a spot! Lylaine told D., "Come her eand catch your baby." I pushed out the head halfway, the contraction ended, and during the next one I pushed it the rest of the way out. Then I prepared to rest a moment while waiting for another contraction. Everyone began urging me to push the baby out the rest of the way. "What do you mean?" I asked in annoyance. "I'm not even having a contraction!" At this point Lylaine looked me in the eye and said very seriously, "Paula, I need you to push the baby out right now." I took a deep breath and began pushing, with everyone cheering me on. Lylaine eased her shoulders out as I pushed and out the rest of her slid. She put her on my chest and began rubbing her vigorously with a towel. "Wait! What is it?" I asked. She paused and removed the towel. I saw that it was a girl and that she was rather blue. She seemed to be breathing but not very vigorously and she hadn't cried. Meanwhile, the nurse had brought over the oxygen and had the tube arranged to blow in her face. After a moment or two she gave a little cough, then cried and began breathing strongly.
Apparently the cord had been around her neck, although not really tightly, and Lylaine had been able to loosen it once her head emerged, but it was being compressed between her body and the birth canal so she wasn't getting any oxygen. The others could see this, and that her head was rather blue, but I couldn't see her head from my angle. That was why D. stepped out of the way and didn't catch her after all. Her intial Apgar was only 6. The nurse who was there told me that in a hospital birth (she worked in a hospital also) it would have been handled much differently. She said they would have screamed at me to push, and pushed on my belly or pulled on her if necessary, and whisked her away from me right away. I asked Lylaine how serious of a situation it had been, and she said, "Well, we like to have to resuscitate as little as possible." Her heartbeat had been monitored frequently during labor, just as in my hospital births, and there had never been any sign of distress (or they would have immediately transferred me to the hospital), so it must have only become a problem at the very end. Her face was very bruised from pressing on my pelvic bone and remained blue for 24 hours or so. She also had darker bruises around her eyes that lasted several weeks. I was very sore on the inside, bruised also, even though I had no tears or stitches. She arrived at 7:57 am, weighing 10 lbs. 7 oz., and I went home about 2 hours later (the minimum stay required).
Tammy had taken the kids home earlier, and after D. retrieved them we all napped. The next day we had Easter dinner with our friends down the street.
She is my sweetest child, naturally polite and grateful. She was the baby for the longest and during that time I referred to her as "my best friend" because she went everywhere with me and was SO easy, truly a delight, even as a toddler. I'm so glad I have her!
Friday, April 22, 2005
Sweetness Personified
Five months later, I continue to feel so blessed to have you, graced by your presence in our lives.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Vacation Recap
DAY 1
We left home early enough to eat at a fast food Mexican restaurant (Mexican Meal #1) on the way, to prepare ourselves for the delicious Mexican food that would soon be available to us.
We arrived in Arizona around 5:30pm--the flight had been delayed 30 minutes. By the time we picked up our rental bus (12 passenger van) and got to the hotel (Pointe at Squaw Peak) it was 7pm. I checked in while D. and the kids wandered the resort, partly to stretch their legs, partly so the staff wouldn't be aware that there were really 9 of us instead of the 6 I told them and partly so we could carry our own bags and avoid the massive tip we'd have to leave. We had 13 items of checked luggage and an additional 7 carryons.
We let the kids go for a swim, and then went to eat dinner. It was now near 9pm, and the waitress commented on how good our kids were. Since it was nearly midnight Eastern time, they were basically asleep in their chairs, too busy keeping themselves awake and upright to cause any mischief.
DAY 2
We hung around the hotel, which had a water park, until 3pm. Then we headed north to Sedona. Along the way we ate at little hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint (Mexican meal #2) which was delicious! We just hung out and watched movies that evening. I was still pretty congested and pretty tired.
DAY 3
We spent the early part of the day at Red Rock Crossing along Oak Creek, a truly beautiful and sacred spot, which we had visited many times when we lived in Arizona.
We spent the afternoon around the pool. For dinner, we asked the concierge to recommend a good Mexican restaurant (Mexican meal #4). We were all standing there in front of her, dressed and ready to head out the door of the hotel. She looked at us and said, "Somewhere that can seat all of you?" D. very politely said, "That would be preferable." We should have taken that ridiculous question as an omen.
She called a restaurant and had them reserve us a table so we headed right over. We were seated on a patio with heaters. Most of the tables around us had families with only 1 or 2 children, and we soon became aware that we were being stared at. People were literally pointing and counting heads, nudging one another to point us out to their companions. After about half of a potent margarita, this started to seem somewhat amusing. D. had to restrain himself from standing up and holding up 7 fingers to the crowd, and yelling "Yes, they're all ours!" The restaurant had a glass window that looked out on the patio and the diners inside were checking us out as well. During dinner we managed to spill 2 drinks (the kids, not the margarita soaked adults) and have a (mercifully short) toddler moment. One woman brought her little girl over to "see the baby" which gave her an opportunity to check us out more closely and ask me a few questions. By the end of the meal, we were laughing hysterically. I was the last one out, and I hurried to buckle A. into her carseat, knowing that I would be cornered. Too late, some nearby diners seized the opportunity to ask if they were all mine, tell me they couldn't do it, and bless me for it.
Although we've attracted attention in the past, it was never like this. Bizarre to have an entire restaurant full of people watching you.
DAY 4
D. took the 3 eldest children to the Grand Canyon. They hiked 4.5 miles down and back up and had a great time. I stayed at the resort with the 4 younger kids. I., who had been behaving as a true princess, complaining about the food in restaurants and refusing to eat, whining that she didn't have flipflops, refusing to sit where we told her on the airplane, etc. was perfectly happy and very helptul that day. I don't know if it was just that laying around the pool, watching TV while K. napped, and laying around the pool some more was right up her alley, or whether it was the fact that she was now the oldest child. Anyway, I'd been worried that it might be a drag of a day for me, but while it was a little boring, it was a very easy day.
DAY 5
We layed around the pool all morning, then had lunch in Sedona and drove down to the Valley of the Sun (as the Phoenix area is known to locals). We met friends for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants (Mexican meal #4). This just about caused an uprising, since the kids were tired of Mexican. Unfortunately, this restaurant featured the worst service I've ever had. We were there for an hour before we even got drinks. Since we'd been munching chips and hot salsa, we were VERY thristy. After about 45 minutes, D. went and inquired, and they said the drinks were coming right up, but it was still another 15 minutes before they materialized. The restaurant wasn't very busy, so I have no idea what the problem was. We spent that night at a Comfort Inn in Tempe, so as not to interfere with our friends' getting ready for school and work.
DAY 6
D. had to work this day, he was training with neurosurgeons at Barrows Neurological Institute in Phoenix. The kids and I went to breakfast at the Wildflower Cafe, my favorite bakery, and then the phone started ringing, girlfriends wanting to know when they could see me. Sharon, who had invited us to dinner that evening, was surprised to learn that we were in town since she had thought we would be there the following Friday. She had a very nice drinks and appetizers get together at her house that evening and other friends stopped by. We spent the next 3 nights with the H. familly, who has the most space.
DAY 7
The women hung around the house while the men took the older kids hiking up Camelback mountain. Friends came over and visited. My friend had arranged a babysitter for evening, so a dozen adults (and A.) went out to dinner. We had a lovely time, staying out late.
DAY 8
We ate breakfast at the Wildflower again, then headed out to the desert for a hike in the Superstition Mountains with some friends. We even found a geocache! It was a lovely day. Afterward, we went out for ice cream and then met more friends at the park where we all used to play when the kids were little. Our hosts made a lovely dinner for us that evening.
DAY 9
We flew home.
We left home early enough to eat at a fast food Mexican restaurant (Mexican Meal #1) on the way, to prepare ourselves for the delicious Mexican food that would soon be available to us.
We arrived in Arizona around 5:30pm--the flight had been delayed 30 minutes. By the time we picked up our rental bus (12 passenger van) and got to the hotel (Pointe at Squaw Peak) it was 7pm. I checked in while D. and the kids wandered the resort, partly to stretch their legs, partly so the staff wouldn't be aware that there were really 9 of us instead of the 6 I told them and partly so we could carry our own bags and avoid the massive tip we'd have to leave. We had 13 items of checked luggage and an additional 7 carryons.
We let the kids go for a swim, and then went to eat dinner. It was now near 9pm, and the waitress commented on how good our kids were. Since it was nearly midnight Eastern time, they were basically asleep in their chairs, too busy keeping themselves awake and upright to cause any mischief.
DAY 2
We hung around the hotel, which had a water park, until 3pm. Then we headed north to Sedona. Along the way we ate at little hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint (Mexican meal #2) which was delicious! We just hung out and watched movies that evening. I was still pretty congested and pretty tired.
DAY 3
We spent the early part of the day at Red Rock Crossing along Oak Creek, a truly beautiful and sacred spot, which we had visited many times when we lived in Arizona.
We spent the afternoon around the pool. For dinner, we asked the concierge to recommend a good Mexican restaurant (Mexican meal #4). We were all standing there in front of her, dressed and ready to head out the door of the hotel. She looked at us and said, "Somewhere that can seat all of you?" D. very politely said, "That would be preferable." We should have taken that ridiculous question as an omen.
She called a restaurant and had them reserve us a table so we headed right over. We were seated on a patio with heaters. Most of the tables around us had families with only 1 or 2 children, and we soon became aware that we were being stared at. People were literally pointing and counting heads, nudging one another to point us out to their companions. After about half of a potent margarita, this started to seem somewhat amusing. D. had to restrain himself from standing up and holding up 7 fingers to the crowd, and yelling "Yes, they're all ours!" The restaurant had a glass window that looked out on the patio and the diners inside were checking us out as well. During dinner we managed to spill 2 drinks (the kids, not the margarita soaked adults) and have a (mercifully short) toddler moment. One woman brought her little girl over to "see the baby" which gave her an opportunity to check us out more closely and ask me a few questions. By the end of the meal, we were laughing hysterically. I was the last one out, and I hurried to buckle A. into her carseat, knowing that I would be cornered. Too late, some nearby diners seized the opportunity to ask if they were all mine, tell me they couldn't do it, and bless me for it.
Although we've attracted attention in the past, it was never like this. Bizarre to have an entire restaurant full of people watching you.
DAY 4
D. took the 3 eldest children to the Grand Canyon. They hiked 4.5 miles down and back up and had a great time. I stayed at the resort with the 4 younger kids. I., who had been behaving as a true princess, complaining about the food in restaurants and refusing to eat, whining that she didn't have flipflops, refusing to sit where we told her on the airplane, etc. was perfectly happy and very helptul that day. I don't know if it was just that laying around the pool, watching TV while K. napped, and laying around the pool some more was right up her alley, or whether it was the fact that she was now the oldest child. Anyway, I'd been worried that it might be a drag of a day for me, but while it was a little boring, it was a very easy day.
DAY 5
We layed around the pool all morning, then had lunch in Sedona and drove down to the Valley of the Sun (as the Phoenix area is known to locals). We met friends for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants (Mexican meal #4). This just about caused an uprising, since the kids were tired of Mexican. Unfortunately, this restaurant featured the worst service I've ever had. We were there for an hour before we even got drinks. Since we'd been munching chips and hot salsa, we were VERY thristy. After about 45 minutes, D. went and inquired, and they said the drinks were coming right up, but it was still another 15 minutes before they materialized. The restaurant wasn't very busy, so I have no idea what the problem was. We spent that night at a Comfort Inn in Tempe, so as not to interfere with our friends' getting ready for school and work.
DAY 6
D. had to work this day, he was training with neurosurgeons at Barrows Neurological Institute in Phoenix. The kids and I went to breakfast at the Wildflower Cafe, my favorite bakery, and then the phone started ringing, girlfriends wanting to know when they could see me. Sharon, who had invited us to dinner that evening, was surprised to learn that we were in town since she had thought we would be there the following Friday. She had a very nice drinks and appetizers get together at her house that evening and other friends stopped by. We spent the next 3 nights with the H. familly, who has the most space.
DAY 7
The women hung around the house while the men took the older kids hiking up Camelback mountain. Friends came over and visited. My friend had arranged a babysitter for evening, so a dozen adults (and A.) went out to dinner. We had a lovely time, staying out late.
DAY 8
We ate breakfast at the Wildflower again, then headed out to the desert for a hike in the Superstition Mountains with some friends. We even found a geocache! It was a lovely day. Afterward, we went out for ice cream and then met more friends at the park where we all used to play when the kids were little. Our hosts made a lovely dinner for us that evening.
DAY 9
We flew home.
Girlfriends
Here I am with some of my closest friends. I miss them SO much! We met at the park where we'd often spent hours together with our kids when they were small. I'm 2nd from the left in the pink shirt with K.
Hiking in the Desert
I am the baby wearing mama with A. in the sling. We hiked the Wind Cave trail at Usury Park in the Superstition Mountains. The great thing about Arizona is that the wilderness is always nearby. This was about a 30 minute drive from where we were staying.
Top of the Canyon
D. took young D., J. and L. to the Grand Canyon. They hiked down 4.5 miles and back up well before dark. I stayed at the hotel with the young set and enjoyed the sun and pool.
Playing in Oak Creek
Red rock crossing in Sedona is one of our favorite places, and this particular spot is where we always go. Known for its spiritual energy, the spot attracts a lot of New Agers. Some meditators actually asked us to tell our kids to stop throwing rocks because it was interfering with their meditation! This is a public place, but we did move downstream a little.
Cool Shades
Everyone got new shades at the dollar store before we left. Here are L. and I. showing theirs off.
We're Leaving On a Jetplane
Here's the crew, waiting in the airport. The only flaw in this trip was that I got sick the day before, an awful cold or severe allergy attack--I'm not even sure which. I was pretty miserable this first day, and while the photo was being taken I was in an airport store purchasing overpriced pharmaceuticals. Unfortunately they did not carry Valium or its equivalent.
Jet Lag
We returned home very late (Eastern Standard Time) on Monday night. Discovered that you can't get a pizza in our small town after 11pm so were forced to stop at the grocery store, which thankfully stays open until midnight, to get some dinner and breakfast for Tuesday.
Although Arizona is 3 hours EARLIER than Michigan (after daylight savings time begins), so theoretically I should have felt less tired than usual on Tuesday evening, I was exhausted and in a complete fog. D. was in slightly better shape than I. The children were apparently feeling like it was 3 hours earlier, because they were extra vigorous. Sensing our weakness, like a pack of bloodhounds, they frolicked and ran amok until after 10pm. By then I was basically awake with my eyes open! LOL
A great time was had by all....more to come later.
Although Arizona is 3 hours EARLIER than Michigan (after daylight savings time begins), so theoretically I should have felt less tired than usual on Tuesday evening, I was exhausted and in a complete fog. D. was in slightly better shape than I. The children were apparently feeling like it was 3 hours earlier, because they were extra vigorous. Sensing our weakness, like a pack of bloodhounds, they frolicked and ran amok until after 10pm. By then I was basically awake with my eyes open! LOL
A great time was had by all....more to come later.
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About Me
- Paula
- SE Michigan, United States
- Mother to 10 fabulous kids, ages 9 to 27 years! Mother-in-law to 2 more awesome young adults! Married for 32 years to my best friend.
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